Alice in the Curtain

“I have very noisy neighbors,” says Robert Shireman. “They talk too loudly and stomp on the stairs. When they’re in a good mood, they turn the music up full volume. Jerks. I behave passively-aggressively toward them. Every time I step outside, I clench my teeth. They greet me, I wave and smile—but my smile is full of irony. Behind my door, I silently shake my fists and whisper (though they probably won’t hear me through the roar of the music): ‘Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!’ The only reason I wrote this story is hope that one day someone from them will come into the bookstore, rummage through the shelves, see my name in this collection, and maybe buy it. Then they’ll all understand—how angry I am at them. That will be my passive-aggressive revenge. Someday, neighbors, you’ll read this. So I’m not joking. Make the music quieter!”